Do not read on unless you are significantly under the influence or bored senseless and life is devoid of otherwise simple pleasures
Written jointly by JB jnr and JB snr
1. Chilling your drinks (no refrigeration or aircon on Romanian trains)
After thoroughly drenching your Son's technical climbing socks in expensive Carpathian mountain mineral water, put the bottle of liquid that needs to be cooled into the wet sock, then using a complicated system of bunk-bed hanging straps to rig a hammock, hang the aforementioned device through the open window (preferably on the shady side of the train) so that the wind chill factor of the moving train can reduce the temperature of the bottle to that of a pleasant rain-cooled Taittinger - within an hour or so.
We know this works as we have done it. We believe the chilling effect is due to the coefficient of evaporation being greatly enhanced by the increased surface area with which water can evaporate from the surface of the sock, thereby extracting the latent heat from the contained vessel. Once the liquid (in our case Nestle Peach Iced Tea) is at the correct temperature, add a generous tincture of Vecchia Romania Black Label brandy (no other brand will do) to the glass of your choice (if you don't have one see below) and enjoy.
2. Make your own travelling wine glasses
Fashion a range of fine wine glasses and assorted tableware by cutting small plastic bottles in half and joining the bottoms together with surgical tape. We can particularly recommend the use of a spare Nestle Peach Iced Tea bottle, as it is then possible to design a bowl of the correct shape to deliver Moldavian Cabernet Sauvignon 2004 to the correct part of the tongue as per the Reidel range of specialist wine glasses. You will also need the following: Swiss Army knife (not only to open the bottle of wine) an Opinal Fine Knife (blade size no. 3 with sharpening steel), AA European road Atlas (to prevent unauthorised ingress of the aforementioned blades into your son's thighs.) Zinc Oxide Surgical Tape from the mandatory travelling First Aid kit.
While this specific reworking of a plastic water bottle is not specifically mentioned in any of the Blue Peter programmes, the fundamental principals involved should come easily to a regular viewer. Children make sure you ask an adult to open the blade for you and pour the brandy.
3. Make friends with your neighbours in adjacent compartments
They are probably American students travelling in Europe for the first time, so they need to be indulged - just don't mention the war! Offer them some of your Moldavian nectar in your personal hand crafted work of art, as a symbol of friendship and if you are particularly unlucky you may receive a slice of sweaty Romanian sausage in return from their backpack.
4. Invent classic 80's board games but with a twist - Pretzel Pick-up Sticks. Take one box of out-of-date (preferably pre-Cold War)"straight" Pretzels and empty onto your bunk and see if you can remove the individual Pretzels without getting the salt crystals snagged. This will keep your children amused for ages (particularly if they have recently turned 36!). If irreconcilable differences ensue as to whether the sticks moved because of the jerky movements of the train or by cheating, then hastily consume the same amount each and then move onto the next item in the list below
5. Help the time pass more quickly by listening to ipod music with travel speakers
Suggested tracks are:
The final countdown - Europe
Mix some water with the Wine - Joan ArmourPlating
Matey Kahlua - 10 million nicked bicycles in Brasov
6. Older people should always ensure that they sleep on the lower bunk and that the upper bunk is wide enough, so that when the body reposing thereon is ejected from it during the dramatic Bulgarian brake stops, he will fall onto the floor and luggage and not onto the frail individual below.
7. Always buy your "tic-tacs" from the mini-bar in the hotel, as they will always cost 10 times more than in a local shop and consequently taste much better.
8. When the train enters Bulgaria and when it stops for no reason in the depths of the countryside, take a quick turn outside to see if the rails are of a continuous welded type, or the older jointed variety. The latter will create a continuous clicketyclack that will penetrate your auditory apparatus over the next 20 hours, and from which you can enjoy a lifetime of mild tinnitus - assuming that is, that you are able to get back on the train and not be bitten by a 3 legged rabid Bulgarian hound. Under no circumstances should you attempt this in Romania as it is the proud possessor of 80% of the wolves and 90% of the bears in Europe - in that case just put up with the noise.
9. We only have another 12 hours to go, so we should be able to find atleast another 1 Top Tip to complete a Top 10 list - if not you get on far too well with your siblings and you need help.
10. Please note as a general hint to train travel through Romania, a certain guide book to Bucharest advised us that if you arrive by bus or coach into the city, something has gone fundamentally wrong in your life and no guide book in the world can save you.
Photos to follow tomorrow.
Jonathon
Sent from my BlackBerry
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